Wanted: One freelance writer, preferably in mint condition but will settle for “like new”.
Must be able to write short, smart, interesting, relevant, and engaging web copy.
Preferably located in New York, but we’ll take someone from flyover country if they can write a haiku that brings me to tears, stamp it into a corn field, and then send me the Google Earth picture.
Working from home? Cool, we don’t want to see your ugly mug every day anyway.
No writing experience? No problem. We will happily accept your resume, if only because we’re out of cat litter and the store is sooooooo far away.
Don’t know how to write for the web? It’s easy: write something awesome, cut it in half, then cut it in half again. There, now you know.
Your actual job will consist of writing keyword-themed (not “keyword heavy”, not “I have no idea what I’m talking about but here’s an article with the keyword repeated 500 times”, certainly not “I failed ESL but I have a Thesaurasaurus Rex and I’m not afraid to use it”) articles of 500-700 words. These articles have to be good. If you would not submit them to the New Yorker, we don’t want them. In return for your patience in putting up with our unreasonable demands and occasional bouts of loutishness, you not only get handsomely compensated (all your checks will come dressed in evening formal with little bitty bow-ties), but also the chance to work with probably the coolest digital content firm on the planet. Certainly in the northern hemisphere.
Please submit your resume to email@example.com and a writing sample or two or three for us to read on the train while trying not to make eye contact with the overly-friendly BO guy. Bonus points go to anyone who writes their cover letter in the style of an epic poem.
Compensation based on experience, general awesomeness of writing, and how good you look in a hat of our choosing.
Note: There is a possibility that your submissions will be corrected with red pen and publicly humiliated, so try to avoid spelling and grammar mistakes.